Wowzers, did not see that coming
by Nezu-the-brat
Summary: Kyouya is getting married! the twins really are gay! Mori and hunny do naughty things, and Haruhi is confused.   Tamaki is going insane!


_I. Exposition_

_Rustle. Rustle._ Kyoya sighed as he crumpled yet another application and threw it in the wastebasket. It wasn't like him to be so careless. Usually, Kyoya always made sure to fold each paper in half, tear it down the middle, and then send the two halves through the paper-shredder to ensure that no person alive would ever be able to piece the document back together. Still, after reading over three-thousand-twenty-one sheets this past week, Kyoya felt he deserved a break.

_Five-hundred-thirty-eight more to go._ Kyoya groaned as he glanced at the pile of unread applications. Why was he even doing this? _Desperate times require desperate measures._ Was his love life so desperately in need of assistance? Was he just wasting his time? Kyoya ignored the thoughts nagging in the back of his head and reached for another paper.

Hm. This one looked promising. Clever, high marks in school. Half-Russian—oh! Enjoys sweets. Likes cold, cute animals, and computers…now for the photograph…Kyoya could barely contain his excitement as he flipped over the sheet to glance at the description…

…and nearly choked on his coffee. Ink Black hair, Ice-blue eyes, dark gray clothing and white teeth, along with stunning pale skin. Major turn-on. But no picture

That's it. Kyoya was done. He was sick and tired of all this stupid nonsense and this one was _definitely_ the dumbest idea he's had since that incident with the Swedish break dancer and the Aussie law firm. He snatched the entire pile and was just about to throw it all into the wastebasket when a single photograph fell out.

Damn. This was starting to annoy him. Snarling, he reached down and lifted the photo to see—

—perfection. Utter perfection.

Kyoya stared at the photograph, hardly believing his good luck. Those eyes…that hair…that mouth…_oh yes_ she was perfect…Kyoya smirked in triumph. Who cared if he was barking mad and delusional at the moment? He had won. It was her, the girl who loved computers...

_ Love At first sight._

_II. Enter Subject_

It was a beautiful day in Ouran Koukou. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and even through the smog-induced fog one could make out the sun. Haruhi was sitting on a sofa sipping tea and ignoring the noisy crowd around her. The last of the customers were leaving, and she could finally drop this charade and act feminine again.

Not that she knew how. It was a nice thought though, while it lasted.

Tamaki was busy mooning over a couple of cute blonde girls, showering them with phrases full of junk like "I'm not worthy of thou noble gaze" and "Is that a bell I hear? I fear you make me hallucinate." The twins were sitting by his side, laughing amongst themselves and making ridiculous hand gestures. Mori was feeding Hunny cake. Strangely enough, Kyoya was nowhere to be seen. Haruhi had asked him about it before he left and he'd smiled, a sure sign he was plotting something. Haruhi hoped it wouldn't be as bad as Swedish break dancer fiasco.

Speak of the devil.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." Kyoya, wearing a full tuxedo and tie, stepped in the Host Club with grace reminiscent of King Arthur. Or a very smug bastard. Depends on how you look at it.

**"WHAT!"**

Kyoya smiled, that entirely-too-innocent Devil's smile he was so fond of. "You heard me."

Tamaki stared, "…how…how…**WHAT!**"

Kyoya just smiled again, "Yes indeed, my dear King—looks like I've finally beaten you in something."

"Y-you…"

"Yes, me."

"Y-you…"

"I believe we've already established that."

"Y-you…**YOU HAVE A FIANCE!**"

"…I believe that is the point."

Tamaki's eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Is it another otaku?" Kyoya shook his head, "No."

"A stalker?"

"No."

"A lunatic?"

"No."

"Someone with filthy ulterior motives?"

"N—probably."

Tamaki glared again, "Do you love her?"

Kyoya stared, "No-well, I don't know, maybe."

"How can you do this?" Tamaki all but screeched, "What about the club? A married man can't be part of a _host club!_"

"She probably wouldn't mind."

"What about your fans? How can you promote extramarital relationships?"

"Is that a problem?"

"What about your _whole life_…what about_ romance_…what about—"

"It's an arranged marriage," Kyoya explained, "Recently my father has decided that a union between me and the daughter of the second-largest corporation worldwide would be profitable. I am merely doing what's best."

Haruhi stared, "Second-largest? Who's first?"

"Us, of course."

"This is _ridiculous!_" Tamaki wailed, "You can't have a king without a queen! Dad without Mom! This…this…this has to be illegal!"

"Not at all," Kyoya replied nonchalantly, flipping out his ever-present clipboard and tapping against the pages, "I did a thorough background check. Section 24, Clause 57 of the Book of Proper Host Club Management states clearly that a married man can operate the club's finances, so long as his performance is exemplar. And I _am_ exemplar, am I not?"

They looked at one another, and slowly nodded their heads. Kyoya beamed, "Well, now that it's all settled, I thought I should introduce you to the lady who will be, henceforth, controlling half of the club's funds."

Tamaki glared, "_HALF OF OUR FUNDS?_ ARE YOU KIDDING ME? KYOYA, THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST THING YOU'VE CONCOCTED SINCE THE SWED-"

"And hello to you too." A smooth, low voice from the doorway made itself known. The Host Club gaped as they took in the short ink black hair about as long as Haruhi's, the large, Ice-blue eyes, and the slim, elegant figure that stood in their doorway. Haruhi stared. No. No. It couldn't be, it simply defied all logic and reasoning, because there in the doorway stood…

One of the prettiest girls ever..

Haruhi choked back a gasp as she gazed at the figure. A black t-shirt, gray skinny jeans and converse, for someone so rich, she seemed so normal

"Oh. My. God."

Tamaki passed out from a bloody nose. Haruhi blinked.

At that moment, the hosts were in shock...

The Ouran Koukou Host Club was Officially and Totally…Astonished. While club members attempted to absorb the situation, Kyoya uttered the fateful words—

"Everyone, meet my fiancé, Mika."

_III. Counter subject_

Tamaki was ushered back into the waking world with a pounding headache. The twins were hovering over him, grinning broadly as they said (in perfect unison), "Welcome back, Your Highness! How was your trip to Hell?"

"Haha, very funny." Tamaki glared, "I fainted? I don't remember a thing. Where're the others?"

"Around. Haruhi said something about a first aid kit in the dishwasher."

"Oh, okay. What about Kyo—" Tamaki's eyes widened as he remembered some disgusting, frightening, and highly Disturbing news.

Kyoya.

Engaged.

Tamaki fainted again.

"…your Majesty, it's really not that bad."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HIKARU? THIS IS TERRIBLE! THIS IS THE **END** OF THE OURAN KOUKOU HOST CLUB, THIS IS…THIS IS A **FUCKIN APOCALYPSE! _WHY_ IS THE SKY NOT FALLING?**"

"…I agree with Hikaru, sir. It's not that bad. He's just en-"

"**SHUT UP! SHUT UP!** KAORU, YOU STUPID TRAITOR! What is wrong with you guys? Have you _seen_ his fiancé?"

Silence.

"She's pretty hot…for a girl."

"Hotter than me? Hikaru, surely you don't mean that…"

"Alas, Kaoru, I'm not _blind._"

"Hikaru! I'm shocked! How could you—mmph!"

"Shh…listen to me. No one will ever match your beauty in my eyes, Kaoru…let me show you…"

"**OH MY GOD JUST STOP IT STOP IT _STOP!_**"

The twins blinked, "What do you mean? It's not like you're not used to it by now."

Tamaki stared, "But…I thought…that was only for show?"

The twins stared, "…why would it be for show? Why do you _think_ we do it so well? Obviously we must have some knowledge of each other's bodies—"

Tamaki closed his eyes and screamed, "LALALA. I AM NOT HEARING THIS! EW…"

The twins huffed indignantly, "Knock it off, Tama. At least we _have_ sex lives. And from the looks of it, Kyoya's going to have one soon…"

Tamaki sighed, "Fine. At least I have Mori, Hunny, and Haruhi to accompany me in my loneliness…"

Haruhi looked up from her tea, "Actually, count Mori and Hunny out."

Silence. Then three voices cried—

**_"WHAT!"_**

Haruhi nodded, "You didn't know? With all that time spent together, it's a matter of common sense, really."

Three pairs of eyes stared before yelling, "MORI! HUNNY!"

"Hm?" Hunny looked up, strawberry cream stuck on his cheek.

"Are you…are you…"

Mori reached over and wiped the cream off Hunny's cheek.

"Are we what?" Hunny started licking the cream from Mori's fingers.

"Are you…"

Hunny took one look at the clock and cried, "Oh! Takashi! Our whipped cream order's probably arrived! The whip and cherries are at your house, right?" Mori nodded. Hunny beamed, "Alright! Sorry guys, we have to go! Takashi, if we leave now we can still pick up our new mattress from the warehouse. See ya'll!" Hunny jumped up into Mori's arms and the two promptly left the room.

Hikaru, Kaoru, and Tamaki just blinked.

"Was that…"

"Did they mean…"

"Apocalypse. A full-sized goddamn apocalypse."

Haruhi drank her tea, "Told you so."

Haruhi snarled as she dabbed Tamaki's face with a wet cloth. The twins had left half an hour ago, saying something about "impossible to deal with" and "stupid Tama." At the moment, Haruhi was not inclined to disagree.

"Haruhi? Why do you think Kyoya's got a fiancé?"

"Because he wants power. Or the very low chance he might love her."

"Haruhi? Do you think Kyoya's mad at us?"

"No."

"Haruhi—" Haruhi slapped Tamaki with the wet cloth.

"**OOWW! Why the hell did you do _that?_**"

"Because you're being stupid." Haruhi narrowed her eyes and glared. "Tamaki, it's entirely up to Kyoya whether or not he wants a fiancé. You don't have a choice in the matter. Give it up."

"Give up?" Tamaki looked scandalized, "NEVER!"

Haruhi rolled her eyes, "Honestly, Tamaki! Did it ever occur to you that Kyoya might _want_ this engagement?"

"No."

"…that he might be…lonely? Seeking female companionship?"

"Kyoya? Ha!"

"Tamaki!" Haruhi stared into Tamaki's forehead, searching for some opening by which she could reach him, "Kyoya is just like other people. I know sometimes he tries to hide it with snarky words and false smiles, but he's a **person**. Tamaki-senpai, you out of all people should know what goes on in Kyoya's head…he might genuinely want this relationship…it might be good for him."

Tamaki looked genuinely moved, "Kyoya…needs…companionship?"

Haruhi nodded solemnly, "Yes. That's why I think you should give this girl a chance…she might not be as bad as you think she is."

Haruhi left the room feeling as if she made a Genuine Difference in Somebody's Life. Tamaki seemed to really understand what she was saying, for once…it looked like he really calmed down…

Tamaki sighed and tilted his chair back, adopting the pose of a contemplating scholar. Unlike Socrates or Plato, however, he came to his Great Enlightenment in exactly three minutes of serious contemplation.

"Kyoya. Fiancé. Kill _now._"

_IV. Development_

"Tell me why we agreed to this."

"We didn't."

The twins gave identical dramatic sighs and rubbed their temples in a sign of defeat. The Host Club, in a show of support for Kyoya and his new fiancé, was in one of Kyoya's family greenhouses having tea, eating pastries, and chatting with Mika

"Wow, dude. I have to know, where did you find the coffee, I haven't had any like this in months! Dad always gets some super fancy stuff, I like.. Normal."

Haruhi's eyes widened at the layed back tone. "H-hai, Mikai-chan."

Mika smiled and gave Haruhi a side hug. " Really, that would be great. Mom used to love making coffee like this."

Haruhi frowned, " Used to?"

Mika's smiled faltered a little. " She... Died a while ago."

Tamaki, meanwhile, was gazing at Haruhi with a look of betrayal. How dare she, consorting with enemy! If Haruhi ended up liking her, that would be a serious hurdle into Tamaki's plans. He required Haruhi's complete cooperation. Half-snarling, he pulled Haruhi out o Mika's embrace, "Pardon me, madam, but Haruhi-kun is extremely sensitive to touch and does not like strangers fondling her."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow, "…but you do it all the time, senpai."

Tamaki glared. The girl was not cooperating.

Mika stared, looking a bit dazed before shaking her head to clear her thoughts. "Sorry, Haruhi! I didn't mean to push any boundaries. Wait. You're a commoner, right?"

Kyoya gave an indulgent smile, "Yes, dearest, she is."

Mika promptly glared. "Oh, Haruhi, how do you deal with those rich bastards. I mean, sure I got money, but I don't like to flaunt it. "

Haruhi blinked. She was sooo... Normal, and somewhat.. Cool.

An awkward silence followed. The twins sighed; once again, it was up to them to break the ice. Hikaru suppressed a yawn, "Mika-chan, what do you do in school?"

Mika beamed, "Well, I do well if I do say so myself. My favorite subjects are English, and Writing and Music appreciation. I like to study new languages. Um... I'm kinda a computer wiz, and like to hack into things... And, I have a stuffed bear named.. Lawliet"

Haruhi gaped.

The twins blinked.

Tamaki looked pissed.

Kyoya was examining the terrain and jotting down notes as Hunny and Mori fed each other chocolate tart.

Haruhi couldn't believe it. She was so normal.

"Did you _see_ that woman? She is completely unbearable! How could Kyoya be engaged to someone like that? I mean, all she does is talk and talk and talk and she is so melodramatic and IRRITATING!"

Hikaru yawned, "Well, I can't say I hate her as much as Tama does, but her fashion sense could use work."

Kaoru yawned, "I agree."

Tamaki continued, "And a stuffed bear named _Lawliet?_ How unoriginal is _that?_ I tell you, there's something severely _wrong_ with that woman!"

Hunny blinked, "Mika-chan wasn't so bad…she had very pretty eyes."

Tamaki glared, "Her eyes were Ice-blue. I-C-E-B-L-U-E. **No one** has Ice-blue eye's ! I mean, how tacky is that? Ice-blue and black? Puh-leaze!"

Mori finally spoke, "Tamaki, you have unique eye's too."

Tamaki countered, "Your point?"

Mori shrugged. Haruhi stared—Why did he hate her so much

Oblivious to Haruhi's stricken face, Tamaki continued, "I tell you, something **must be done about that woman.** Obviously she does not _match_ with Kyoya and Kyoya could never, EVER like someone like that. Tomorrow we are going to go to Kyoya and _give an ultimatum: **either she goes, or we go.**_"

The twins stared, "Are you serious? Why would we quit the Host Club?"

"Well, **duh.** Kyoya cares the most about profit, right? If we can make it so the benefits that come from being married to Mika become less compared to that of kicking her out, so to speak, Kyoya will cancel the engagement!"

"But Tama-chan! Does Kyoya have a choice in this in the first place?" Hunny piped up, eyes widening.

"Of course he has a choice. He's had a choice in everything he does. God knows why he does things this way though."

"Doesn't Kyoya have some really tragic childhood in which his family is pushing him towards business, or something?" Hikaru asked.

"No, not really. I mean, his family has standards and stuff, but he still has the last say over what he does. I mean, his parents aren't trying to _kill_ him or anything."

Kaoru stared, "What about the time with the clif—"

"—we agreed never to speak of that again."

Haruhi was getting mad, "Tamaki, why don't you just give Mika a chanc—"

"What, Haruhi-dear? I'm afraid you'll have to speak a bit louder than that. Anyhow, what we need is a PLAN to show Kyoya that Mika is absolutely unfit to be his fiancé!" Tamaki announced triumphantly.

Silence. Utter silence.

"Of course, I will need the full cooperation of everyone in the Host Club! Who will embark with me on this most noble mission to save mankind?"

"…do we have a choice?"

_V. Ostinato_

**Step 1: Prove the girl is very stupid.**

Haruhi glared as Tamaki pushed her into the kitchen.

"Just tell me…_how_ exactly is this supposed to work?"

Tamaki smiled and winked, "Uh-uh-uh! No negative attitudes on Daddy's lucky day! Today is the day that Kyoya breaks his engagement!"

Haruhi sighed, "Tamaki—just _how _is holding a private baking lesson with Mika going to break the engagement?"

"I know—genius, isn't it? This private baking lesson will prove, beyond a doubt, that the girl is woefully incompetent at household chores and therefore as a wife. Also, I've picked the hardest recipes in the world for you to cook, and once Kyoya compares your own genius to her misdirected stupidity, he'll be begging to let her go! And you know what's even better? I've placed cameras in five different locations throughout the kitchen to capture every moment of her humiliation!" Tamaki's eyes sparkled with anticipation, "I'm going to love every _moment_ of this!"

"…I still don't think it's going to work."

"Now now, Haruhi, cooperate with Daddy just this once. Now don't go anywhere, I'll be _right_ back"

Before long, Haruhi heard footsteps echoing down the hall and prepared herself for battle.

"Haruhi, hey!"

Haruh smiled, "Hello, Mika-san. Tamaki told you of the arrangement?"

Mika smiled and nodded, this girl seemed so nice," Yeah, I'm actually excited."

Haruhi nodded, "Yes—in fact, let's get started, shall we?" She leaned over to glance at the recipes Tamaki had so thoughtfully laid out, "We'll be making…shark fin soup, baked stuff lobster, almond butter chicken strips, caviar-avocado wraps, mushroom-pecan-ice cream salad, cranberry apple strudel, zucchini bread and crème brulee."

Shark fin soup? Stuffed _lobster?_ Haruhi didn't even know what **half** of the stuff was! Tamaki hadn't been joking when he said he selected the hardest recipes to make. Not only were all these foods _expensive_, but they'd take HOURS to prepare—each! Tamaki had firmly instructed Haruhi not to leave the room until all the recipes were cooked—that could take days! Weeks, even, depending on how many lobsters they had to bake! Haruhi felt a snarl rising in her throat.

Mika, however, seemed to be feeling quite the opposite. "Ooh! Caviar-avocado wraps? Well Dad loves those things! I used to make them _all the time_ for him! Hm…baked lobster? That doesn't sound bad—oh, I love strudel! This is going to be fun, Haruhi! Haruhi? Why are you on the floor? Haruhi-kun? **_Haruhi-kun, wake up! Hello?_** **O SHIT**! "

"You _fainted!_"

"…Tamaki-senpai, should you _really_ be one to talk?"

"She does have a point there, Your Highness."

"Pity though…I love crème brulee."

"I could make some for you…just the two of us…?"

"Hikaru…"

"**EW! NO, GO AWAY, STOP IT, GET OUT!**"

**Step 2: Prove she is not _nearly_ as beautiful as we are.**

_(We? Tamaki-senpai?) Fine. Not nearly as beautiful as I am, then._

"Is this even ethical?"

"Desperate times require desperate measures, Haruhi."

"Desperate. _Desperate_ is the key word, senpai."

"Shoo shoo, children. Go play somewhere while Daddy works."

"…right."

_Two days later…_

"I've done it! I've done it! The stage for Mika-Humiliation has been set."

"…sir? Just _what_ did you do?"

"Ho ho ho...you see, every girl's pride should be her skin. It isn't very often that you can find people with skin as white and perfect and pure as mine, and—"

"—didn't you just say 'every **_girl's?_**'"

"P'shaw, whatever, Hikaru. Anyhow, to ruin someone's skin is to ruin their entire _image_ and desirability goes down exponentially when this is so."

"Very good, m'lord."

"Thank you, Kaoru. I will have all of you know that when I snuck into her house this evening, I spiked all of her facial creams with ample amounts of viacoine cyanide."

"With what?"

"—substance that makes your skin turn purple."

"Ah."

"Ah indeed. The next key is a girl's hair. As you know, the only color that clashes even more hideously with purple than Black is—"

"PUCE!"

"Very good, Hunny-senpai! I've also switched her shampoo with puce-colored hair dye."

"…there's _puce_-colored hair dye?"

"Um, _no_, Haruhi, but in case you forgot, I _am_ filthy rich."

"My apologies."

"To top off my grandest scheme ever—"

"—your _only_ scheme, ever."

"—is the fact that, even as we speak, I've sent Mori to deliver a package of the ugliest set of clothing to Mika's house, with a 'personal note from Kyoya' written on it expressing how he'd **love** to see her wear those clothes to school tomorrow…"

"You _didn't_…"

"I am a genius. A complete, total, fucking _genius!_"

"Sir? Don't you think you're going a bit too far with this?"

"No, why?"

"…never mind."

The next morning, Host Club members could hardly contain their laughter when Mika came in, glaring. Holding a puce colored puppy.

" My dad is purple and my once white dogs hair is puce.. What the fuck?"

She was pissed.

Tamaki held his breath, desperately trying to hold back laughter as everyone waited for Kyoya's reaction.

Kyoya blinked, expression inscrutable, looking at the puppy.

Slowly, Kyoya muttered softly, "Mika…?"

"Yes, Kyoya…?"

" This is.. Puce right?"

"Yes, Kyoya, but-…"

Kyoya beamed, "Marvelous. How did you know puce and purple were my favorite colors?"

"**PUCE? AND PURPLE?**"

"Honestly, senpai, I thought you did your research."

"**PUCE! AND PURPLE!**"

"Yeah…I mean, you should have known beforehand that Kyoya liked colorful things."

"**_PUCE? AND PURPLE!_**"

**Step 3: Prove Mika isn't Faithful**

"I have to admit I'm impressed. I hadn't known mankind could reach this level of stupidity."

"Really? I thought the Swedish breakdancing incident came pretty darn close."

"Nah—that cannot compare to _this_."

"Oh, will the two of you just shut up? I **know** this is going to work!"

"Really, King? You've been saying that since the first plan."

"No, shush! My previous plans didn't work because I tried to target surface flaws. I should've known that Kyoya would want to look deeper than that! No, to _really_ convince him we have to target Mika from the **inside**—from the foundation of her morality, her CORE VALUES—"

"—and that's why you're going to make out with her in a closet?"

"Oh, please. You make it sound so coarse. I know as a fact that the human value Kyoya admires most is loyalty. If I can prove that Mika isn't going to loyal to him, the engagement is off!"

"…um, senpai? Did it ever occur to you that rather than blaming Mika-san, Kyoya might blame _you?_"

"Blame me? Nonsense, Haruhi! Kyoya loves me!"

Tamaki smiled his most winning smile. He spoke with his most honeyed phrases. His eyes gleamed with unspoken emotion and his lips trembled with romance.

All for his plan.

"Mika-san…aren't the trees today lovely?"

Mika smiled softly. Confusion in her eye's, trees? really?

She looked absolutely sinister in Tamaki's eyes.

" I guess."

"Come."

Kyoya blinked. He hardly ever made contact with Mori, and as far as he could remember, the taller man had not initiated a conversation with Kyoya ever before. Why was he talking now?

Hunny nodded his firm approval, "Aw, c'mon, Kyoya! It'll be fun!"

Kyoya raised a skeptical eyebrow, "Just _where _are we going?"

Hunny giggled and placed a finger on his lips, "It's S-E-C-R-E-T."

Mori's eyes flickered towards Hunny, as if he couldn't help being drawn to the sound of Hunny's laughter. Hunny smiled back, eyes glowing with some sweet and pure emotion…

Kyoya sighed: he really didn't understand why the others hadn't figured it out yet. It was so **obvious**.

He checked the clock—the club was just about to close anyhow. Couldn't hurt to humor them a bit, right?

"Sure…why not?"

"The trees today are so beautiful…they shine, captivating—so like the gaze of a young woma—" Tamaki tensed as he heard the sound of Hunny's chatter drifting down the hall: time to put the plan into action.

"—let's come into the closet for a while."

Mika blinked, "Excuse me? We were just talking about tree—EEP!" Tamaki promptly yanked her into the closet and shut the door, forcefully covering Mika's mouth with his palm. He could hear voices outside:

"Ooh, look! A closet!"

"…yes, Hunny? That closet's been here since…forever."

"I wonder what's inside?"

Just as the first rays of light found their way into the closet, Tamaki uncovered Mika's lips and kissed her.

Tamaki watched Kyoya blink, his face settling into a blank expression. Mika promptly panicked.

" Oh my gawd you- you - PERVERT!"

Something shone in Kyoya's eyes, and Tamaki did an inner victory dance—he had won. Taking a deep breath, Kyoya said,

"Tamaki…Mika…"

Tamaki smirked, "Yes…?"

"That was a magnificent performance. Would you care to do it in the Host Club tomorrow?" The dollar signs that had been lurking in Kyoya's eyes promptly burst out into full view, "It was a very passionate encounter. I'm sure the customers would appreciate the quality of romantic foreigners, and it could potentially boost Tamaki's falling approval rates."

Kyoya smiled, "Would you consider it?"

"**_Why? WHY!_**" Tamaki and Mika both yelled, she didn't want to kiss him, at all!

"Well, senpai, you did sort of ask for it."

"Yeah, I mean, Kyoya was only making use of a golden opportunity."

"Besides…making out with Mika on a daily basis shouldn't be that bad, right? Unless she's a terrible kisser?"

"**_That's not the point…urgh, where's the Listerine?_**"

**Step 4: Prove she's impossible to Deal With**

"Senpai, you really should give up now. I mean, haven't you had enough?"

"What do you mean, Haruhi?"

"Well, you see, senpai…none of your plans have actually worked."

"Listen, I didn't go this far to be beaten now! I'm going to try a fresh approach…not _pushing_ them away from each other, but **bringing them together!**"

"…ew."

"I agree with Kaoru. Aren't they a little young?"

"Okay, first of all—not _that_ kind of 'bringing together.' And second of all—aren't you and Kaoru 'a little young' yourselves?"

"That's different. We're brothers."

"…uh, anyways, I'm going to show Kyoya how impossible Mika would be to live with on a day-to-day basis! That means constant contact, constant companionship, and constant badgering!"

"Oh yeah! You could handcuff the two of them together! It worked for me…"

"No handcuffs, Kaoru. _Please._"

"Haruhi's right. Handcuffs are really overrated, y'know? They're cold and cut into your wrists and—"

"—I don't recall you complaining last time, beloved kinsman."

"Situational differences. I don't think Tamaki wants Kyoya and Mika to—"

"**DIDN'T I TELL YOU GUYS TO SHUT UP?** Thank you. What I was planning to do was to lock them in a closet together for 14 hours."

"…"

"…fourteen? Why fourteen?"

"Because twelve is too short and twenty-four too long."

"…this is the second time you're using a closet in your plans. Could it be that you have a closet fet—"

"—no."

"Just checking."

"Senpai, how can you guarantee that Kyoya would _not_ like being with Mika?"

"I'm planning to get her drunk beforehand."

"…"

"…uh, m'lord? You do realize that putting a drunken woman with a, well, _interesting_ man like Kyoya might have…reproductive consequences?"

"Are you kidding? Drunken or no, Kyoya would **NEVER** sleep with someone like Mika! That woman is abominable, atrocious, appalling—"

…_Many words Later...  
><em>

"zit-picking, zornful zapping LOSER!"

"…just for curiosity's sake, senpai—how many dictionaries do you have at home?"

"Fifty-three…why?"

Kyoya was having a very normal day. He had woken up in the morning, gotten dressed, called Tamaki to wake him up, ate breakfast, and arrived at school. School passed with its normal selection of classes, and Kyoya settled comfortably into his normal routine. After school, he walked over to the Host Club, and was just about open the door when he felt someone hit the back of his neck and blacked out.

When he awoke, he found himself in a dark, enclosed area that smelled suspiciously like the closet he'd encountered a few days ago. Beside him, he could sense another moving body. The air was laced with the scent of alcohol, but upon further inspection Kyoya realized that it was indeed his fiancé who was lying next to him.

"Mika? Mika, wake up."

Hamaki blinked, the alcohol in her system forcing her to wake up and giving her an unnecessary boost of energy.

" Hey~ Kyouya!" she then glomped him into a hug, and held a little to close...

Kyoya stared, uncharacteristically unsure of how to act in this situation. On one hand, he had a perfectly willing victim to abuse, but on the other hand, there wasn't a reason to spoil their relationship before the wedding night. Still, he was really bored at the moment and had nothing better to do. But then again, doing something might damage his reputation—permanently.

Kyoya sighed: why did things have to be so difficult?

"**KYOYA! ME WUVS YOU!**"

"That's nice."

"**KYOYA! ME WUVS YOU VERY MUCH!**"

"How lovely."

"**KYOYA! ME WEALLY WEALLY WEALLY WUVS—**"

"That's it! I've had enough! Mika, stay still so I can knock you out again."

"**WA? KYOYA WOULDN'T DO THAT!**"

"Yes, I would. Now, if you don't mind—hey! Hey! Try not rip my shirt ok—never mind. Ouch, no, not the hair—please, I like that belt very much and—Keep still, okay? Dammit, whoever put me into this, I am _so_ suing their asses off."

_" Kyouya, you look delicious right now."_

Kyouya blushed at her husky tone... He was doomed, maybe he won't be a virgin much longer...

Tamaki threw his head back and laughed, "Time's up! Let's go check up on our happy lovebirds!"

The twins groaned, "Whatever, king, whatever."

As the club started to walk towards the closet, they began to grow uneasy. After all—where was the ear-spliting shrieks? The yells? The cries of "No, no, get me out of here!"? Everything was eerily silent, and though he tried not to show it, Tamaki was growing nervous.

Silently, he inserted the key into the lock and turned…

Oh.

My.

God.

Kyoya, shirt ripped to shreds and belt undone, was lying against the stack of brooms with his hair ruffled and streaks of grime around his cheeks.

His glasses were lying in Mika's lap, where her dress was in ribbons and the top part of her uniform sliding off her shoulders.

Both looked equally…indecent.

Tamaki fainted.

"…it's over, senpai."

"Give up."

"…"

**Step 5: Prove she…doesn't really**…_love_ him.

He couldn't give up. Not yet. Inside, Tamaki knew he was defeated, but how could he give Kyoya up to such an atrocious wretch like Mika? No—he'd die before he'd let that happen. Tamaki gave a dramatic sigh as he attempted to lift another glass of champagne (his fourth for the day), "To Me."

"To you."

Tamaki yelped as he heard the voice behind him. Surprise turned to disgruntlement as he saw Mika smirking behind him.

"Feeling a little down in the dumps?"

"You could say that," Tamaki muttered.

Mika patted him on the back, "Don't worry, we all have our 'up' days and our 'down' days. Sometimes I feel so miserable I can hardly breathe."

Tamaki's eyes widened…that statement sounded so familiar…where had he heard it before? "You feel miserable?"

Mika nodded, "It's okay. My dad... is not that big on me, so I find it hard to keep confident sometimes, y'know?"

Tamaki could only stare, "Your dad?"

"Well, not really my dad—he's nice and all, but sometimes…it just doesn't seem like anyone really cares about me." Mika smiled, a sardonic, self-deprecating smile, "That's why I don't really talk to many people. They don't seem to like me."

"Agreed. I hate you, okay?" Tamaki turned back to his champagne.

Mika laughed a little, "You're funny."

"Not funny. Histrionically expressive and devastatingly gorgeous."

"Just like me." Mika smirked.

"Hey, don't compare the likes of me to the likes of you! We are nothing alike, trust me."

"Oh? How so?"

"Well, first of all, you're a total bitch and I'm not. Secondly, I actually have friends. Haruhi, the twins? They adore me. Thirdly, Kyoya likes me, while you are entirely unsuitable to wipe the shoes on his feet, never mind be his fiancé."

" I have friends..And…how many drinks have you had?"

"Four. What does that have to do with anything?

Mika shrugged, "No reason. Why am I not good enough for Kyoya?"

"First of all, you're a total drama queen."

"Really?."

"Second of all, you're completely unbearable."

"Probably…"

"Thirdly, you have no sex appeal at all. Ice-blue with black? Puh-leaze."

Mika nodded, "Maybe. But that doesn't matter as long as I love Kyoya, right…?"

"Love? Hmph. You don't know anything about him to begin with!"

"…oh?"

"Okay, what's his middle name?"

"Doesn't have one."

"What's his father's business?"

"Nobody's business."

"What does he like to eat with toast?"

"Korean barbecue sauce."

"Favorite sports team?"

"British chess team."

"Favorite colors?"

"Puce and purple."

Tamaki huffed, "Hell, _everyone_ knows that stuff."

Hamaki just smiled again, "Then why don't you ask me more personal things?"

"Fine. What side of the bed does he get up from?"

"Right."

"Which pair are his favorite sneakers?"

"None. He wear leather shoes—always."

"...Pet peeve?"

"Dealing with stubborn people."

Tamaki couldn't believe it. This girl really _did_ know more about Kyoya than he thought…

"…what…what's his dream?"

"To take over the family business."

"No—his _real_ dream."

"To find his own Paradise."

"…faults?"

"Too manipulative, edgy, cold…sometimes his face closes off like he doesn't want anyone beside him. How he always judges everything around him…he doesn't give second chances a lot. How he's impossible to wake in the morning—"

Tamaki stared. If she really did know him so well…so then why…?

"—why do you love him?"

He watched as Mika's eyes seemed to soften, how her entire body seemed to relax. "I love him…because…no matter how cruel or cold he is, he always feels human. I love how he always tries to care for people in that indirect way of his…I love his sense of justice, but how he doesn't go overboard…but most of all…

I love how he brushes his hair in the morning. How everything falls into place except those few hairs in the back. I love how he growls and tugs at his shoes if they won't fit. I love how he looks when he's sleeping, and he how laughs when he's awake. I love how he also tries to avoid eating cauliflower and pushes it to the side of the plate. It's…just the little things…and somehow…just watching over someone like him…makes me feel special…"

Something was beating inside of his skull. Tamaki has that feeling that he's forgotten something, and he's on the verge of remembering it…but he can't. Mika's words are choking him.

She's right. She really does love him. She belongs with Kyoya.

No.

No.

No.

Tamaki feels himself surrender, and despite his drunken state, manages to clap Hamaki on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I was wrong."

Mika is surprised, "Huh?"

"I'm sorry. I was wrong about you…congratulations. Be happy with Kyoya. You two…have my blessing."

Tamaki rises, feels dizzy, but forces himself to wait until he's safely out of view to collapse onto the ground, sobbing. His club was going to go away.

_VI. Scherzando_

"Hello. You've reached Tamaki's cellphone, and I, as King of Ouran Koukou and Prince of Romance, have declined to answer your call. Please don't take this personally—it's hard to be so loved. If you leave a message, however, I'll be sure to call you back…a good King _never_ denies his subjects' need to acknowledged! Have a nice day!"

_Beep._

"Tamaki? Hey, um, Haruhi here. I was wondering if you were ill or something…you haven't come to school for two days, so I was wondering if your fever's any better or not. I have some fever medicine at home that you could use, but if it's not that serious I'd like to save it. Call me back, okay?"

_Beep._

"Er, right. You really need to change that answering machine of yours, King. (I agree with Hikaru, it's _terrible!_ ) Yeah, well, anyhow, Mori told us about how they found you at the bar…(listen, Kyoya's _really_ mad about this! He says it's not good for the Club or something!) So, uh, just to give you a head's up, he'll probably be calling soon…um…yeah, gotta go. (Ja!)"

_Beep._

"Tama-chan! We really miss you over here! Takashi and I want you to get well soon, ne? Come back!"

_Beep._

"Tamaki, I'm not proud of your behavior. I must say, your customers are very distressed, and if you keep going at this rate, you'll have a debt equal to the size of Haruhi's. Even if you _are_ ill (which I suspect you're not), that's no excuse to ditch club meetings.

On the other hand, I've called to say that Mika told me about you giving your blessing. I must say, that's very thoughtful of you (although it doesn't make a difference to me). Mika and I will be signing the prenuptial agreement tomorrow afternoon, and after that, we'll make plans for the wedding. Considering that you are one of my oldest acquaintances, I'm offering you the position of best man. Take that as you may, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Have a nice day, Tamaki, and may you broil in self-guilt and regret for all the dollars lost to your folly."

_VII. Canon_

Tamaki checked the thermometer in his mouth. 97.5 degrees—no fever yet.

Truthfully, Tamaki wasn't really sick. Tamaki's parents thought he was overreacting, but Tamaki defended his case by insisting that colds didn't come up until two or three days later, a scientifically proven fact that didn't, he neglected to mention, apply to fevers. Feeling more than a little ticked off, Tamaki stuck the thermometer back into his mouth.

_Why…?_

Tamaki had lain in bed for two days already, waiting desperately for some type of enlightenment or apocalypse—either would do. He desperately needed to know what the emotion was that he was feeling…this sickness that seemed to reside in his heart, rising up like a fever and yet chilling him to the bone.

He felt nauseous as well. Every time he thought of Hamaki, his stomach would heave and he'd run to the toilet, only to find that nausea was only temporary. It wasn't just Hamaki that was causing these feelings—the thought of a wedding, the thought of Kyoya, and the thought of mushroom-pecan-ice cream salad also made him sick.

_Kyoya…_

Scratch that. Kyoya wasn't making him nauseous—Kyoya was giving him a headache. Of course, if Kyoya had devoted two days to think nonstop about Tamaki, he'd probably have a headache too. In Tamaki's opinion, _no one_ should ever try spending two straight days thinking only about one person—especially one as infuriating and unreadable as Kyoya.

Kyoya. What a stupid bastard. How could that guy just be so…indifferent towards everything? I mean, he didn't even bat an eye when I was kissing his fiancé! Any normal guy would have exploded by then but no…not Kyoya. He's too perfect, too awesome, too _inhuman_ to feel emotion.

And Mika. Was that girl a real nutcase or what? I mean, she can be so infuriatingly sappy: disgusting! Maybe she's bipolar—one minute she's angsting the life out of her, and the next she's smiling and happy again! The two idiots probably deserved each other!

Yet…

Mika's words kept haunting him. The way she'd talked…there'd been something strange about the way she talked—_how_ she talked, really. She had spoken her heart out, like she had nothing to lose…

…well, of course she had nothing to lose. She had Kyoya, didn't she?

_I love him…because…no matter how cruel or cold he is, he always feels human…_

There was something real about Kyoya that Tamaki found he couldn't explain. There were times that Kyoya felt blocked off, frozen…and yet there was always something so beautifully tragic about his character. Maybe the others didn't know it so well, but Tamaki had often found himself face to face with Kyoya's kindness. The time they'd first met…Kyoya'd been so…**_mean_**. Unnecessarily cruel. And yet when Tamaki had fallen, and when Tamaki crying…he'd helped him up. Kyoya reminded Tamaki of one of those anime characters trying desperately to be alone…yet finding their humanity staring them in the face.

_I love how he always tries to care for people in that indirect way of his…_

Kyoya was caring, no doubt. Tamaki had noticed that, throughout the years, Kyoya had always tried to take care of him. He'd always taken this for granted, but seeing Kyoya about to vanish from his life…Tamaki couldn't help but feel a little…depressed.

_I love how he brushes his hair in the morning. How everything falls into place except those few hairs in the back. I love how he growls and tugs at his shoes if they won't fit. I love how he looks when he's sleeping, and he how laughs when he's awake. I love how he also tries to avoid eating cauliflower and pushes it to the side of the plate._

_Just…the little things…_

Amazing how much Mika had learned about Kyoya in the space of a few weeks. If someone had asked him about his favorite things about Kyoya…he'd have answered the same.

_It's…just the little things…and somehow…just watching over someone like him…makes me feel special…_

That was true. It wasn't so much about _who_ Kyoya was, or _what_ Kyoya did, or _how_ Kyoya did them…but what Tamaki had always liked about Kyoya was the fact that he was…_Kyoya_. In that single word, Tamaki could imagine over a hundred different memories…just little things. The time when Kyoya had gotten a B in English. The time when Tamaki met his first girl. The time when both of their families were having a business deal and they weren't allowed to speak to each other for days. Time and time again, Tamaki found that…well, more and more, he was starting to rely on Kyoya for…

…love…

…support…

…drama…

Kyoya had always been there, protecting him in that quiet way of his, always shielding Tamaki from the harsh realities of real life. Kyoya had always arranged things, changed things, made sure to stick around if Tamaki was in a lot of pain. Kyoya didn't do that for a lot of people, and that made Tamaki feel…special. Loved. Beautiful.

Kyoya had always acted as if Tama could do things on his own. That time when Tamaki had wanted to ask that girl out, Kyoya had scoffed and said, "Of course she'd go out with you. She has everything to gain." Kyoya had never doubted that Tamaki was a unique person…and Tamaki was grateful for that.

How—how was he going to let him go? This engagement was not just the issue of _marriage_, oh no. It was the issue of Eternal Separation of Two Great and Inseparable Friends. If Kyoya got married…the world would tilt on its axis. The cosmological balance of the universe would be misaligned. The sun would implode and become a black hole. Tamaki…Tamaki _couldn't_ let Kyoya go because Tamaki love—

—whoa. Backtrack.

He and Kyoya were…like fire and water. Coffee and cream. The sky and earth. The comedy and the tragedy. They were the Yes and the No, the pencil and the eraser. They were the honey and the beehive, the wax and the candlestick. There were times when Tamaki felt so miserable he could hardly breathe, and Kyoya had always acted as his inhaler. They were—

**—wait a minute.**

_That_ sounded familiar.

Where had he heard it before…?

_Sometimes I feel so miserable I can hardly breathe…_

Tamaki gasped as he finally understood something.

Come to think of it, it all made sense like this! Why hadn't Tamaki realized it before?

Of course…no wonder…

Mika…

**THE STUPID BITCH STOLE HIS LINES!**

_VIII. Fin_

Tamaki growled two day's ago Kyouya and ... the bitch. signed the agreement.

He hated that girl.

She took Kyouya.

Haruhi is starting to warm up to her.

The twins acctuly talk to her.

and Mori, and Honey say she has good taste in cake..

It made him _sick..._

" I have to save this club..."

Mika smiled softly at the orange juice in Kyouya's hand. She looked up and smiled. " Thank you."

He smiled and nodded.

" **THATS IT! "**

Everyone turned to see Tamaki, pointing to Mika, " I have had it with that girl!"

Mika flinched, what did she do?

He stormed over and pointed his finger in her face angerly. " If you didn't show up then the club would be going normal!"

Mika felt her heart break. All she wanted to do was be happy. She just wanted to be happy.

" Tamaki!"

Haruhi was shocked at the way Tamaki was behaving, it was so... Out of character..

shaking, Mika stood up, " Why-why are you being mean to me? What did I ever do to you?"

That caused Tamaki to freeze... Why was he mad? He thought it was because he didn't want Kyouya to leave... But maybe it's because he didn't want the club to end..

If Kyouya got married, it would be official. No more Host Club.

He took out his anger on a girl, a _girl!_

He was supposed to make them happy, not make them cry.

" I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take my anger out on you."

Tamaki looked down ashamed.

After a moment of silence, he felt to small arms wrap around his waist. He looked up, shocked to see Mika, " It's okay, I forgive you."

Tamaki blinked, she forgave him?

" Mika, you truly are a good catch. " Kyouya said, putting an arm around her, after she let go of the blond boy.

Tamaki smiled, maybe, things will be fine after the Club is over...

FIN~

* * *

><p><strong>Well, there you have it, a little oneshot of funny and drama... Yeah weird combo.<strong>

**R&R**

**If you want to know about the Breakdancing Aussie episode, just tell me.  
><strong>


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